White Rabbits and White Lies

My daughter Syd and neice Kaitlin on our recent trip to Disney.  Just keep reading.....the picture will make sense I promise!

We are on the waitlist again.  Waiting for a birth mom to pick our scrapbook and deem us worthy.

But worthy of what?  Worthy of being scammed?  Of bring lied to?  Of being used?

We recently found out that our PEM planned the whole thing. As in, she planned to let us THINK we would be adopting Maggie but all the while KNOWING we would leave empty handed.

I don’t know all the details nor do I NEED to know all of the details.
 
But it does leave me feeling a bit like Alice following that naughty little rabbit.  At first,  adoption seems so easy and straight forward..  But like  Alice, we quickly learn all is not as it seems. 

Before we can formulate enough good sense to turn back, we find ourselves skidding down a steep hole with nothing to grab hold of and nothing to do but land at the bottom of the pit, dust ourselves off and keep following that sorry excuse for a rabbit.

We are offered an unlimited number of doors to open and treats to taste, all promising to provide the remedy we so desperatly seek.  But what we seek is a way back home, a way back to a world that is familiar and where all is right.

So here we are…. back at the beginning of this crazy journey.  But thankfully we are not following a pesky white rabbit but rather a noble rescuer who promises to deliver.

"Yahweh will fulfill that which concerns me; your loving kindness, Yahweh, endures forever. Don't forsake the works of your own hands"

Psalm 138:8 (World English Bible)

Stay Tuned…..

Here is me checking into the hopsital on the first day.  Our PEM had been induced just a few hours earlier and we were arriving with gifts in hand.  I am sharing all the details of our 3 day ordeal so check back!

No More Fundraising

Last Saturday, we met with our adoption agency.  It was the first time since we had to give Maggie back to her biological mother, that we were able to sit down and discuss what happened. 

It was theraputic to be able to vent about the events at the hopsital (details to come)  and the almost surreal experience of handing her back. 

While at the agency, we also had the privledge of meeting another couple who had a similar experience.....well maybe not so similar because they had to give a baby back after 4 months.  Can you imagine?  It helped me to have a bit of perspective.

After a very entertaining 2 hours of chatting and asking questions we were hit with a bombshell we never saw coming.  I mean seriously, we NEVER saw coming.

Our remaining balance owed to the agency (almost $13,000K) has been paid in full.  PAID in FULL! 

After several long seconds and before I could even udder a word, tears started streaming down my face.  I hate it when that happens, but at least this time they were happy tears.

It was if God threw open wide his arms and screamed:

I AM here.  I am taking care of you.

We couldn't have missed HIM even if we had tried.

Chip and I are still stunned by this news.  We can't seem to wrap our minds around the mysterious way God chooses to work in our lives. 

We have been saving, fundraising, selling and baking for the last 8 months. With the exception of a very generous gift from my parents, all fundraising was litterally done $20 at a time. No exageration.

It is a huge burden lifted to know that our adoption is now fully funded.



We wish so bad that we could have brought Maggie home with us....wrapped her up in a snuggly blanket and put her under the tree as the best Christmas present ever.  That was our plan. And if we had the choice, that would still be our plan.  But we know that God is up to something....I just wish he would hurry it up already.

Questions

This week has been rough.  I am feeling a bit lost.  The event planner in me is feeling like I need a new project, a party to plan or at least somewhere to be!

It’s the holidays and everyone else seems to have parties and places to go while we have nothing to do and no where to be.  Except today.

Today, Chip and I  have an appointment with our adoption agency.  To talk about what happened, to vent our feelings and to ask lots of questions.

And questions I do have!

Holding Maggie on Saturday morning.



The three days spent at the hospital were utterly exhausting. Not so much for lack of sleep but more for the emotional abuse we felt. 

Now, I am NOT saying we were actually emotionally abused. I am simply saying that is how we FELT.  It felt like our emotions were raked over a bed of coals while everyone else just stood there and watched.  Again, NOT saying our feelings are the truth just saying that is how we feel. 

And I want so badly to give you a list of  the questions most burning in my soul.  But after typing and re-typing the list for the last 30 minutes, I realized that it’s not that easy.
A quick list of questions with no explanation wouldn’t be fair.  It wouldn’t be fair to the agency, to you as the reader or to my own healing process.  A simple list of questions, without any explanation, will leave too much room for mis-enterpretation.

But oh how I would rather type a list than go back and relive each of those gut wrenching days! 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7