A Photo Forever Etched in My Mind

I can't get over the concept of 5 minutes.  There is a permanent photo etched in my mind of what 5 minutes used to mean to me. 

Five minutes used to hold the promise of life or the stench of defeat.

It's the first 5 minutes of walking into a new doctor's office.  My stomach turning at all the possible outcomes this new place holds.  A future can be born or terminated in just 5 minutes. 

Will he listen to me?  Will he have a cure?  Will this be the end of my journey?  Will this be the day I am healed? 

Or will I be sent away?  Or be met with the arrogance of superiority of so many visits past.

Then comes the same paperwork to fill out.  The same paperwork I already filled out at the last doctor and the last doctor and the last doctor.

Name....Insurance Info..... and then the dreaded.... "Tell us about your Symptoms" question.  In hopes of delaying the agony of answering that question again, my eyes wonder to the neatly styled table in front of me.  Magazines of all styles fanned out just waiting for my indulgance.  Cooking... Decorating...Gossip...all things that just a year ago I would have found pleasurable to read.  But now the mere sight of these magazines brings with it a sorrow for a life that no longer exists.

Five minutes.  Five minutes and my paper work is complete. Five minutes and I hand over my whole life, somehow summed up on two pieces of paper,  to a complete stranger.  And now I wait...for the next 5 minutes and for all the stomach churning fears of what those 5 minutes will hold.

I wish I could forget about what 5 minutes USED to mean to me.  But I CAN'T.  I am forever CHANGED by those 5 minutes I endured. 

For my friends still waiting, I am praying for you today.  I am praying that this 5 minutes will bring hope... if not total healing.


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