 |
| 24 hrs after Maggie was born. |
Where do I start? What do I say?
We are at home, without Maggie, trying to figure out what happened, how it happened and why it happened. But mostly, WHAT happened.
The last couple of days have been confusing. Confusing because we are not sure whether to cry or laugh. So we do both. Lots of both. Lots of crying. Lots of laughing. And lots of questioning.
I wasn't sure if I would continue to write our adoption story down....not sure if anyone was really ready to hear the truth. Or rather, I wondered if anyone was interested in hearing the truth.
We Americans like everything to be neatly packaged and tied with a bow. We like to believe in a prosperity doctrine that says if we claim it or if we believe it...everything works out for the best. We don't like to believe that there is really evil and suffering in this world outside of punishment.
The comments made by well-meaning friends, neighbors or perfect strangers during a crisis can be quite comical. My favorite so far is this: "well, you just have to trust that the baby is better off with her mother."
Woa, Nellie...don't get me started on what is wrong with that statement. What theology do you believe in? What rock have you been living under? What God do you believe in?
This adoption failed not because that is what is best for the baby. It failed because we live in a broken world. Because life is not fair. You see...God can make good come from anything he chooses, but I don't believe everything happens in this world as it should. That's ridiculous. God did not desire there to be dishonesty, betrayal, selfishness, nor pain...to name a few.
I wish I could sweep the last 6 months under a rug and forget that it ever happened. Sometimes it seems easier to live in na-na land...to blindly accept the outcome and not look back.
But God reminded me that that is not how I roll...nor is it what HE wants. So after much arguing and wrestling (I don't tend to win against God but it's not for lack of trying), I decided to work through all the emotions, questions and facts of the past week.
I will fan into the flame the only real gift HE has given me...and that is my ability to write honestly about my own personal experience.
So hang on tight...the next week could be quite ugly. But I trust in the end, when my fingers are exhausted from furious typing...that I will see HIM revealed.
Still praying for you, your family, and Maggie. Thank you for continuing to share your story, though its not the outcome I prayed for.
ReplyDeleteWow Sharee...i just read this and my heart aches for you and your family. I can't begin to understand what you all are feeling right now. That same thing just happened to our neighbors. They had been trying to have kids for several years and tried all sorts of fertility measures that didn't work and then they pursued adoption and they were so excited when they were told that there was a mom that would be due in September. So, they began buying stuff and getting the room ready and were just delighted that they would be bringing home their child (or shall i say God's child). When the birth mom gave birth in the hospital our nieghbors were there and then the next day they were hit with the devastating news that she didn't want to give up her baby anymore. They were torn in half by this.....however, they aren't christians so they didn't have the Lord to cling to like you and your family. There are no words that can heal a breaking or confused heart...so i know that some comments you get from people are meant to be out of love and not to frustrate you even more. just know that you have a load of people praying for you right now through this difficult time and that the Lord will ultimately see you through this. You don't need to know "why" right now, just trusting in the Lord and his bigger and better plan for you and your family should give some comfort. Hang in there Sharee.
ReplyDeleteI've been waiting for a post. And, praying for your family. I know this isn't top on your list here--but I'd really like to repost this on We Are Grafted In if you'd allow. I think it's so important to read your honest words here and consider what you are sharing both personally and about God.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your blog...completely... and will continue to lift you and Chip up in my prayers. I am very sad for you guys...and I will pray for God's healing of your hearts and minds, and for peace. I am glad the Lord has placed you and Chip in my life...
ReplyDeleteSharee, your theology and your wit and your wisdom grow stronger, deeper and more beautiful with each chapter of your story. I am sad beyond words at what you have suffered but encouraged by the GRIP of HIS grace in your lives. Keep holding tight, for He will not let go!
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I'm a follower and sparse poster on WAGI...and I want to thank you for posting about the pain you are experiencing. I'm so sorry for your loss and heartache. We truly do live in a broken world, and how often we are reminded of its brokenness. May the Lord continue to comfort you and bless you. Your pain will help bring healing to so many others and glory to God.
ReplyDelete