All Consuming

I meditate on it day and night

I think of nothing else

My mind is heavy and clouded

Each thought tears through my soul like the pages of a book being ripped from it's spine.

It chains me to a superficial wall, a false sense of security.

I see the flaws in my house, the projects left to do, the paint colors still not chosen.  These are the things that consume my thoughts, consume me.



Here is a picture of the dining room in our new house, complete with 1980's decor.  It's everywhere.

  We have lived here almost two months.  Still can't decide on paint colors.  We are on color number 2.  I am convinced if I could only pick the perfect paint color my life would be without problems.

I see an empty bank account with bills to be paid.  I see an empty savings account riddled with drought and yearning for rain.  These are the things that consume my thoughts, consume me.

I see a figure in the mirror that I no longer recognize. A scarring of a once beautiful painting now distorted from the harsh elements of a once vicious storm in my life. 


We are hiding from having our picture taken.  It's early, we haven't showered.

Instead of remembering the grace and mercy that came from the storm, I see nothing but ugliness.  Embarrassed and insecure, these are the things that consume my thoughts, consume me.

What does God think of me?  Does he want me to succeed?  Or just merley survive?  Does he have amazing plans for me?  Or can I ruin them by not trying hard enough?  What if I miss what he has for me?  What if I don't do what he wants me to do?  What if I, I, I, I, I........ I am consumed with myself.

Time is up,the baby is fussing, the older one is begging for a snack.  I put my journal down and pretend that I will get to it later. 


Sydney reading to Eli, he is 4 months old already!

 After caring for my little ones, (the only selfless act I still manage to muster up)....I go through the mail.  Throwing away junk mail, sorting the bills and getting distracted with the new Pottery Barn and Ballard Designs catalogues.  Get behind me Satan is all that I think...for I want to sit down and peruse the pages...consumed with all the things I want but I can't have.

Maybe that is it.  Maybe it's all the wanting what I don't have that is creating this pool of toxic waste.

I open one last piece of mail. It is a letter sent from Uganda, from the child we sponsor. Every month, $35 gets automatically drafted from our bank account. We don't even notice it's gone.

Her words cut through my heart, yanking me from my own demise. Not a moment left to spare.




Sorry for the blurry picture, I was in a hurry! But this is really how my morning looked...no editing.

In her own handwriting, in the midst of misplaced pronouns, penned in a language not her own, this young girl thanks us.  She thanks us for sending her to school and for supporting her.

She asks for just one thing.  She asks that we "tirelessly" pray for her.

Not a prayer for money or for a rehabbed kitchen. Not a prayer for more clothes or a larger bank account. And certainly not a prayer to lose 25 pounds.

TIRELESSLY pray for me is all she asks.

Tears fall.  They fall like a stream thawing from a winter's freeze.  A rushing of truth and of clarity and of mercy.

 My mind is focused on HIM once again. I am calm.  I am still.

 Tirelessly, Without Ceasing, Unending, Continuously, Relentlessly, Without Break, Without End, Without Stopping.

I must seek HIM tirelessly.

There is  a young girl in Uganda who tirelessly trusts in God.  She has nothing yet she has everything.  She is consumed with HIM.  She is full.

I must change what consumes me. I yearn to be full.

"There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the most high dwells."  Psalm 46:4

PS:  Speaking of consumption.  Have you tried these?

They are my new favorite treat.  I'd offer to share them with you....

but I only have one left.  I am a wee bit consumed with their tastiness!