The Rat Diaries

Dear Diary,

This is the true story of a family militia of rats living in our attic. I hope that one day (like tomorrow) this will be but a distant memory, perhaps a shared story that brings laughter around the dinner table?

Who am I kidding?  The situation is dire and the For Sale sign is going up today! (umm...I might have to run that one by the hubster first but who those are just silly details!)

Just for the record, we are animal loving people over here.  Don't think for one second we are haters. See me with the pig? We love pigs.  We also have a rescued Pit Bull named Wendy. We love dogs.  But rats?  I have no affection for them...do you remember that wretched disease we refer to as the Plague?  Enough Said.


Week 1:
Me:  Do I really have rats living in my attic?  Are you sure?  I was quite certain they were squirrels.

Exterminator:  No ma'am I can assure you they are not squirrels, they are rats.

Me:  Well what do they look like?  (because somehow this might matter?)

Exterminator:  They are grey with white bellies. 

Me:  Oh good...for a second there I thought you were going to say they are white with red eyes.  Then we would have a real problem.

Exterminator:  {Silence with a confused look on his face}

Notes:  Exterminator claims to have patched up all holes where said furry pests are getting into the house.  He sets dozens of traps in the attic and promises this will all be over soon.

Week 3:
Time:  8:00am

Me:  {placing a call to husband at work}

Husband:  What's up?

Me:  We have a problem, a big big problem. 

Husband:  You can't find the car keys?  Or is it the remote this time?  Did you check under the cushion where I showed you last time?

Me:  No, No.  Nothing as serious as that.  But you may want to call someone.  The kitchen ceiling is leaking gushing water. 

Husband:  The new ceiling that we just had repaired?  Grrr...ok, I will have someone come over.

Later that same day:
11:00am

Me:  {placing call to husband at work}  It's me.  The "guys" just left, the leak is fixed.

Husband:  Great!  Was it a pipe that they didn't fix completely from last time?

Me:  No, it's better.  Are you sitting down?

Husband:  {rolling of the eyes from across the phone for sure}

Me:  It was the R-A-T-S.  RATS!!!!  They are taking over the house, they are forming a militia.  What did we ever do to them but trap them in the attic and try to kill them?  Geesh!

Husband:  what do you mean it was the rats?

Me:  They chewed through a 2 foot section of the air conditioner hose.  They were looking for water.

Husband:  What the heck?

Note:  {frantic call was made to pest control, they responded by checking the traps.  Nothing.  The little rascals were no where to be found Surprise.}

Week 4:

Sydney:  Mom, you gotta come in the kitchen and see this!

Me:  Not now, I am busy. 

Sydney:  Mom, for real, come quick!

Me:  I am trying to catch up on all the latest news on facebook.  If I leave the couch before I read all my updates I might miss some piece of earth shattering news.

Sydney:  I am serious you need to come now.

Me:  {Reluctantly slide off the couch and make my way into the kitchen}

{cue video}

The next day:

Exterminator: ma'am, I found the source of all the flies in your house. You have two "nice size" dead rats in your attic.

Me: (silence)

Exterminator: so I am going to need a trash bag if you don't mind.

Me: sure, I have white ones, odor control ones, black ones...
Exterminator: ma'am we don't need to go get all fancy, just hand me that there grocery bag.

Me: ah yes, I see your point.

Note:  If one finds swarms of flies in the house, it means there is something dead. 

Outcome:  It took 7 days to rid our house of all the flies.  Even my 1 year old would take a dish rag and start swatting at them.  Friends would call and check on the "fly count" for the day.


Week 7:

I drop my daughter off at Vacation Bible School, run some errands and return to the house.  Upon entering our home I am completely over come by a rank, pungent smell that I can only assume is death.  It's funny how you don't ever have to have smelled death before to know what death smells like. I am sure that revelation holds a deep and symbolic meaning but I digress.

Me:  {knocking on neighbors door} Hi, I know you barely know us. We moved in last summer and I have thought a million times about bringing over cookies or some other arbitrary gift to show neighborly hospitality.  But I didn't and now I am here on your doorstep, begging for help.

 My husband is out of down and apparently every friend I have is either on vacation or ignoring my pleas for help. Perhaps the combination of a text including the words rat and death had something to do with it.  But either way, there is something dead, in the house, we can't breath, we need help. 

Neighbors:  Oh sure thing, I will send my husband over. Why don't you bring your baby over here and I will watch him while you sort this out.  (Where have these people been all my life?) 

Me:  God Bless you.  {note to self:  find new friends, ones that don't go on vacation or ignore texts about smelly rats}

Outcome:  Neighbor spends 30 minutes in the attic (mind you it's summer in Texas) only to determine that said smell is coming from a dead rat that fell through the insulation.  Ie.  we can't get to it and will have to wait for "nature" to take it's course.  We spend the rest of the day outside in the 105 degree heat where at least the hair is "breathable."

Week 8
{husband makes "stern" phone calls to the pest company and they send the manager out}

Pest Control:  M'am we have found the source of the problem.

Me:  {giving the stink eye} Yes, I have heard that before.

Pest Control:  It seems you have a bag of bird seed in your garage. 

Me:  umm. yes.  It's been there for the past year, nothing new about that.

Pest Control:  The bird seed is their food source and they are chewing through the drywall in your garage, traveling over the breezeway and then climbing into your attic.

Me:  I am sorry, what?  {thinking to myself...isn't this why we hired you?  To figure this out 2 months ago? I can only surmise that my actual silence is a sign of the holy spirit because in my head I was saying lots of other things.}

Outcome: the hubby spends an entire Saturday cleaning out garage, patching holes in the dry wall, and hauling off anything that might have touched one of the furry rogue creatures.

Week 9
{our family is gathered around the dinner table}

Sydney:  Mom, did you know there are like 10 flies on the window?

Me:  {puts hand up in defiant gesture}  No and I don't want to talk about it.

Outcome:  Immediately following dinner, the hubster decides to take a look in the attic.  Yep, three more dead rats.  Thankfully we found them before the smell could over take the house but now we are back to being invested with flies.  The dumb kind that are small and slow.  At least we can put the 1 year old to work swatting them with dish towels.  Aghh, the bright side of things.

To be continued...