Postpartum takes Courage.

A whole year had gone by and I was seemingly no closer to finding relief from this hell the doctors were calling a "typical" post partum depression. It didn't seem typical to me.

It had been so long since I felt like myself that I forgot what it was like to have a normal life. Things like shopping for new clothes, laughing with friends, planning activities for Sydney, looking forward to seeing the new episode of LOST...these were all frivolous aspects of a life I used to live. Instead my days were consumed with anxiety, tears, confusion, despair and darkness. (To review all of the places, doctors and remedies I had tried over the year click HERE and HERE.)

Fear had over-come me. I was like a frightened little girl afraid to get out of her closet (I did actually spend a lot of time in my closet, somehow it seemed safe). I was beaten up and I didn't have anywhere else to turn for answers, or so it felt that way.

I was facing a huge and life-changing decision. Do I give in to the fear that had consumed me and resign myself to a life of despair? Or do I bravely step forward in spite of my situation trusting God's plan for my life? You see for me, my worst fear was to be left in this state of mental and emotional instability. For me, my worst fear was not dying, it was having to go on living.

Do I choose to keep living and trust that God had a bigger plan for my life? A bigger plan that might not include any of the things that I wanted or dreamed about. Do I face the fact that I might even have to live in a mental hospital for the rest of my life? Sounds crazy I know, but that was my fear and I had a decision to make.

For reasons I can only credit to God, I decided I was going to live. That simple decision was a profound one that would define the rest of my life. I decided that I would put aside the ideas I had for my life and that if God wanted me to live in a mental institution, separated from my daughter and the rest of my family, then that is what I would do.

In making this decision, I faced my greatest fear. I wasn't denying the reality of the situation, it was horrible. Jesus doesn't ever tell us to be a Poly Anna and act like things are easy, he calls us to take courage. If we can move forward in courage, we can deny the authority that our fear as over us.

So with that, I decided to move forward in my life, even if God didn't answer my greatest desire to be fully healed. Even if that meant that I might live a life separated from my daughter.

Now here me when I say this...that does NOT mean that I resigned myself to a life of living with this crazy depression. That is NOT at all what I was doing. By being brave and making the decision to move forward no matter what, I was refusing to live in the pit of despair. I was refusing to be a victim of my circumstances.