Here are a few more events that happened that left me wondering when my miracle would come. I thought I would try to bullet point them because it could seriously take me another year to give you all of the details. And I am not so sure that giving you all of the scary and slimy blow by blows are really the details that will help you most. Here goes...
Mental Hospital- voluntarily checked myself into a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks! Yes, I am serious. That would have to be a blog all by itself. Just know that in lots of ways it was nothing like you would imagine and in lots of ways it was everything you could imagine. Result of 3 weeks in a hospital: spent 30K (thankfully God provided an anonymous donor that covered the costs), tried lots more sleep medicines, tried several more anti-depressants and left just about the same as when I started.
Unable to Fly - My family was emotional drained from dealing with me and they needed a break. But my anxiety was so bad that I could not go to the airport and put Sydney and I on a plane by ourselves. Chip had to fly up from Houston, meet us at the security gate in Baltimore, escort me back through security and hop on a plane with me right back to Houston. He literally flew 3 hours, got off the plane, guided me through security and flew another 3 hours hom. All I can remember is that I held on to his arm the entire flight and cried. We had to call my current psychiatrist twice while in the airport.
Medical Spa - I participated in some over the phone consultations with a different Hormone Clinic located in Dallas. They performed some "spit" hormone tests on me and sold me a couple hundred more dollars worth of vitamins and hormones. I remained hopeful because at least these people actually tested for something rather than just staring at my tongue. I even traveled to Dallas to meet with them and participate in phone consultations with other hormone doctors from around the country.
Praying in Tongues - The nice lady that was cutting my hair at the time asked if she could pray for me. We sat in the reception area of her hair salon, bowed our heads and she prayed over me in tongues (yes, out loud). Who am I to refuse any prayer!!
Prayer Healer - Spent $200 to meet with a professional prayer healer for 2 hours. We prayed over the sins of my family from generation to generation. We asked God for forgiveness for everything imaginable. No healing took place, but I can look back and see where that definitely didn't hurt anything to cover all those bases.
Acupuncture - didn't work, but I tried it
ECT (Electric Shock Therapy) - yes, you read it correctly. Will you still be my friend? Does it make me sound like come crazy loony bird? Sounds barbaric doesn't it? Well, it is. It is everything you would imagine it to be and worse except you are put to sleep for the actual procedure. I thought I would write you a detailed post about this experience but right now it just seems like wasted emotional energy. I think you can understand how desperate I was to get better. I got my brain shocked at least 9 times. We are still receiving medical bills from that whole ordeal. Wow, some days it is so hard to gain perspective when a bill for electric shock therapy shows up in your mailbox! Bet you will think twice the next time you open an unwanted bill!!
More Vitamins - a nutritionalist told me to drink flax seen oil every day and take those "Juice Plus" vitamins every day. She adamantly argued that this would heal me. Little did I know that she had been charging my credit card for months after I first spoke with her. (I only spoke with her once) But she charged me for 4 months worth of pills until I finally caught her. That was fun!
Meier Clinic - Spent Three weeks at the Christian counseling center in Dallas called the Meir Clinic. It was a fabulous experience and I gained invaluable tools for coping with depression. Chip and I even had several sessions of marriage counseling that were the best ever. But in the end, I was not healed.
Sending my daughter away - The worst thing that happened to me that year was when I had to send Sydney to live with Chip's sister in Michigan. Things had gotten so bad and my parents were exhausted from taking care of us that they just couldn't do it any longer. I literally called Kristie (Chip's sister) and within hours I met her at the airport and handed over my daughter. I remember hugging Kristie and crying hysterically and asking her to tell Sydney that I really did want her. Sydney would end up staying a month with her cousins in Michigan. I think I called once to check on her. Chip is kind in reminding me that I had him call and check on her lots.
Ok, now you know everything. The bad, the ugly and the down right scary. I am glad to get this out and be done with it. I can't dwell on these things for too long or they start to drape over me like dark cloud. But it is important that you know how hard I fought, how hard I tried to keep seeking the answers I needed. Each new step was exhausting and each new step was met with dissapointment when it did not bring the healing I needed.
Where was my miracle? I had been searching for almost a year with still no answer. When was God going to say "Enough" already?
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