Diagnosis of Bi-Polar?

I must admit, it isn't getting any easier to do this. I think I would rather get my bikini line waxed then try to think about how to articulate my story to you!! I pray every day that God would speak through me and give me the words that someone out there needs to hear. I often wonder if I just sound like I am complaining or like I just couldn't handle the responsibility of being a mom. I worry that you won't "get it" that my story will just seem so normal to you and that you will wonder why I am writing it down. But then I have to remind myself that my story is really intended for those women that are experiencing the same thing and I know that my words will sound familiar to them. So I keep pressing forward.

Chip mentioned in his post that we went to our third doctor, Dr. Dictator. Just to summarize, this doctor diagnosed me as being bi-polar. Until that day I had never heard of bi-polar and I honestly didn't care what they labeled me as as long as they could fix me. Chip, being the more coherent one, knew right away that a diagnosis of bi-polar wasn't right but we were desperate. The doctor had come to the conclusion that my extreme insomnia was due to me being in a "manic" state and that I needed some serious drugs to sedate me.

She prescribed 120mg of seroquel and to put it in perspective I later used 1mg to help me sleep. 120 mg could have sedated a horse I think. When I took the medication at night, it took about 30 minutes to kick in and I looked like I was drunk. Sedation is really the best word to describe it. But I still didn't really sleep...I was just really out of it. So out of it in fact that once the medicine kicked in I could not hold Sydney and it would last until almost noon the next day.

It was awful. Not only was I experiencing anxiety, depression and insomnia now I was forced to put up with being drugged and unable to even hold my daughter. When I called Dr. Dictator a few days later to explain that this was not working she firmly told me I had no other choice. So the search for help continued...I knew her diagnosis was incorrect and we were not going to waste anymore time.

This picture is forever imprinted in my mind. I had just taken my new medicine about 15 minutes prior to the picture being taken. Right afterwards Chip's mom wanted to take the baby from me because I seemed too groggy to hold her. It is an experience that I don't wish on any mom. To not be able to care for your child because of a situation that is beyond your control. How sad when I look back that these are the things that I remember. This would be the first of many pictures that I would "fake" being normal in. Although I think you can tell in my eyes that all was not well.