My Bitter Soul

As you know, I have been praying that God would give me the words to be able to describe to you exactly what was going on with my body and mind. I become easily frustrated because it seems as though there are not words to describe how horrific this experience was for me. It was more than just lack of sleep. More than a little anxiety. And certainly more than the baby blues.

Last week at church, the sermon was on Hannah and her journey of infertility and her relationship with God. There was a verse that struck a cord with me...it sums up how heartbroken I felt.

"In bitterness of soul, Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord," 1Samuel 1:10

That about sums up how I spent much of 2007. Oh, how those words are perfect. Our pastor admitted that he didn't really know what it meant to be in bitterness of soul, but I knew exactly what Hannah meant. I could feel her heart ache for a different life, a normal life. She wasn't desiring anything out of the ordinary...she just wanted to be a mother. She wanted to be a mother just like all of the other women in her life. Was she asking too much?

Hannah wasn't asking for 10 children, just one. Can you understand her confusion when she looked at all of the other women getting to spend their days nurturing and enjoying their babies and she had not one to call her own That was me. I couldn't be a mom to my daughter. I couldn't care for her the way a mother should. I couldn't enjoy her or put her needs above mine in the way that I wanted. All the other women in my life were busy "mothering," they were spending their days with their children. I was an outsider looking in on a life that I so desperately wanted. I was just struggling to survive and Hannah was too.

The following is taken from one of my journal entries. Unfortunately, I threw away a lot of what I journaled that year but this is one of the few pages I have left.

"Dear Lord,

My heart brakes, I feel all alone. I feel like I am destroying my family. I beg you to have mercy on me and deliver me from this evilness - restore my mind. Please know this great burden I am carrying and take it from me. Please let me be a mom to my baby girl.

Please surprise me in my answer to prayer and deliver me from this. Lord, I claim the truth - to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine! Let my heart be filled with hope at what is to come."

Just like in Hannah's story, God seemed to be answering my simple request to be a mom with the heartbreaking answer of "no."