It is now January 2007 and Sydney is about 3 months old. All I can tell you is that life was not the way it was supposed to be for me and my family. My parents and Chip's mom had flown down a couple of times to help us by taking care of both Sydney and me. I just couldn't completely focus on Sydney when I was desperately trying to claw my way out of this slimy pit of emotional chaos.
By now, my menstrual cycle had returned and I was already starting to see a pattern of increased emotional instability the week right before my period. It is hard to imagine that I could get any worse, but I would take a definite dip in symptoms the week before my period. Then as soon as I would get my period, I would feel a slight sense of balance restored. At this point, I became convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that my problems had something to do with my hormones, but I had no idea what to do about it. We had already been to see 3 doctors and were met with complete incompetence each time. I was skeptical about seeking more help.
On the home front, Chip was still doing all of the night shifts so that I could get as much sleep as possible. Our wonderful neighbors Cathy and Roy took Sydney for us a couple of nights here and there so Chip could get a good night sleep. We just walked the pack and play next door to their house and Roy would even let Syd fall asleep on his chest in front of the TV. Sydney also had sleep-overs at my friend Hillary's house. We were so blessed to have friends that could help in this way.
There would be lots of help over the next few months, most of which I could never fully appreciate until much time had passed and I was on the road to healing. My bible study girls pooled their money and paid to have my house cleaned for several months....I wish I had been healthy enough to really enjoy that the way I would now!! A local MOPS group that I was able to attend only 2 or 3 times after Syd was born provided meals for us for 2 weeks. I didn't even know them, but they just loved on my family by providing meals. Our good friends and neighbors, The Grahams, watched our dogs for us whenever we would have an "emergency" and needed help. There were lots of friends that would visit with me, talk to me on the phone, fly down to help me on a moments notice and so on. Some of these people we will talk about in more detail later but for now it is important for me to tell you that we did not survive these months alone.
It is important for me to tell you these things not just because it might encourage you, but because I need to hear them. Even now as I sit at my computer with the protection of a healthy mind and the joy of knowing that my 2 1/2 year old is still sleeping and it is 7:30 in the morning (yipee!), it is easy for me to look back over that horrific year and complain that we did not have enough help. It is easy for me to get swallowed up in the pit of self despair and fix my thoughts not on the provisions that occurred but on the hurt that I experienced. I could write volumes on how I think our church did nothing for us or how some of my friends abandoned me or how at some points even my own family pulled away. All of those individual things may be true but to dwell on those thoughts would be to ignore the whole truth. And I have found that one of the biggest weapons we have against this beast called post-partum depression is to submerge ourselves in the whole truth.
I have to choose to fix my mind on how I WAS helped, on how my friends and family DID stand by my side and how God did NOT abandon me. Now... I am not saying to be all "Polyanna" about it because that would be a whole other problem in itself! To know Sharee Morris is to know that I don't bull, I don't sugar coat things and most of the time I am way too honest. However, in the interest of protecting my mind, I have realized that there are times when we need lots of help focusing on what is true in our lives. I learned that it is possible to protect our minds with the truth without denying the reality of the situation. Overall, my life still sucked, it didn't magically get better because I decided to look on the "bright" side of things. I am just saying that when we choose to dwell on the whole truth, our minds can survive the gravest of situations
Satan is a "dirty" player as my mom likes to say. He doesn't destroy us in one foul swoop, he picks away at our minds. Ladies, he wants you to believe that no one is helping you, that God has forsaken you and that you have been left all alone.
It is NOT true. I pray today that you would go against your feelings and you would CHOOSE to dwell on the truth. Even if there is just one bit of truth that is positive in your life, think about that one thing. Even if the only true positive thing that happened today is that you are still breathing, then meditate on that!
Philippians 4:8
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
This is a picture of Hillary, her daughter Kylie and Sydney on the night of Sydney's first sleepover. In this picture Sydney is actually not more than 2 months old....she was a big baby!
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