Dark Days

Umm...it is kind of funny that I titled this post with the words "Dark Days." I think that would actually be a better name for the whole blog! But there are several "moments"during that year that stand out high above all of the rest.

Like I have described, I was an emotional wreck. Sydney and I were living with my parents for significant chunks of time and I was barely able to go through the motions of caring for her. My parents suggested that it might be helpful for Chip and I to get some time by ourselves. Maybe some rest and time off from being a mommy would help me to feel refreshed. And looking back, I am sure that my parents could have used a break from my emotionally draining presence.

So, Chip and I booked a flight back to Houston for the weekend. We left Sydney with my parents and off we went. I would not say that I was excited to go away, at least not like it would be now if my parents offered to take Sydney for the weekend! Nonetheless, I agreed to try the change of scenery.

Not surprisingly, the pit of despair and loneliness that had already engulfed me, also followed me everywhere I went. The mire and muck was always present, always thick and always heavy. No matter where I was or what I was doing, it was there.

I spent the entire weekend crying. I felt like a zombie, a piece of flesh that simply took up space in the universe. There was nothing inside me. Nothing to distinguish me from any other living species roaming the earth. Except maybe for the fact that everyone else seemed to be happy. Everyone else seemed to have meaning in their life and the ability to find joy. Even the squirrels were happier than I was...at least searching for acorns brought them some kind of pleasure! Dogs still wagged their tails, children still laughed and squealed and moms still smiled contently as they watched their babies grow.

Chip did his best to cheer me up. He made me take a small road trip down to Galveston to do a little site seeing, believing that getting out in the world might somehow jolt me back to life. I remember holding on to his arm as we walked around the aquarium, tears streaming down my face. I even cried for the entire 3 hour flight back to my parents house. How much longer could I survive in this God forsaken state?

But if all of that wasn't enough, the worst moment was walking into my parent's home. I still remember this as plain as day. I came in through the garage, through the laundry room and into the kitchen. I hadn't seen my daughter in over 48 hours, yet the mere sound of her in the next room, left me crying and running the other way. Definitely not the reaction that I wanted nor did I expect to have after being gone for a weekend.

Can you imagine leaving your kids for the weekend and not wanting to just give them a giant hug when you returned? Chip and I haven't had the opportunity to go away since that weekend almost 2 years ago. But I know for sure that when we do, we will not only have a fabulous time together, but we will both share in the excitement of returning to our precious Sydney. There will probably be some running and shoving involved to see who gets to hug her first!


But not this time. After being away from Syd for more than 2 days, I broke down in an uncontrollable sob (although I tried to cry silently so no one would hear). I didn't want to look at my own daughter. It wasn't that I didn't love her or want her in my life, it was just that looking at her reminded me of the harsh reality that I had been living since the day she was born. It reminded me that my ability to be a mom had been stolen from me. And even worse was the fact that I was being forced to stay and watch my life go on without me. I could see the life I wanted, it was right there in front of me, but I couldn't reach it. I was a bystander, an outsider looking in. It would have been better for me to die. What a sick and cruel joke it was to keep me alive only to torture me with what I couldn't have. Looking at Syd only confirmed the fact that I was losing my mind.