First Signs of Trouble - the milk jug is empty!

All was well the first couple of days after bringing our new baby home. But it didn't take long for things to change.

About three days after we got home from the hospital I decided that I would take the 10pm shift with Sydney and let Chip sleep. I fed her, rocked her and placed her in the pack and play to sleep. And sleep she did but sleep her mother did not.

I was exhausted and fell into bed expecting to fall asleep right away. As the minutes and then hours ticked a way, it became apparent that sleep was not going to happen. I did not sleep that night, not even for one minute.

I know, it sounds crazy. All new mothers get very little sleep, it is just a right of passage. I cannot fully explain it but this was different. My body would not shut down, it would not relax or take a break. It wasn't that I had a lack of time to sleep as is the problem with most new moms, it was that my body could not physically do it. I was so tired I couldn't see straight but still I could not fall asleep.

This lack of sleep left me in a state of panic that can only be described as pure chaos. The next day I was in tears, I was distraught, I didn't think I would ever sleep again. The next night I took an Ambien and still only got a couple of hours of sleep.

Over the next 4-5 days I managed to get a few hours here and there. Already at this point, Chip had assumed the position of night caregiver. He would sleep on the couch and get up with Sydney every time she woke up. This is a job that he would keep for nearly a year.

Now, lets back-track just a little. On day 2 or 3 after returning home from the hospital, my milk came in. I had already made the decision not to breast feed because of a long history of trouble sleeping. I knew I needed Chip to be able to help me with night feedings. So when my milk came in I tightly wrapped myself up in an ace bandage and waited for "it" to go away.

Let's fast forward....On about the 10th day my milk finally dried up. Yipee! I am giving you this specific time line for a reason, so that you will begin to see a pattern in my symptoms.

All I can tell you is that the day my milk dried up everything went downhill fast from there. It is hard to remember details, but as Chip and I chatted this evening, we remember little bits and pieces.

I remember just not feeling myself. I was a confident, put together young woman and suddenly I felt like a child. I would be walking the dogs with a friend and all of a sudden a panic attack would hit me. I didn't even know what a panic attack was at that point in time. Why was I having panic attacks? I am just walking my dogs, I don't have panic issues. This would cause massive frustration which would send me in a downward emotional spiral. This usually meant lots of crying, lots of isolating myself and lots of asking "what's wrong with me and why is this happening to me. Little did I know that these questions would take over a year to be answered. Oh how I wish I could go back and save myself from that pit of hell.