During this time, Sydney and I spent most of our time living with my parents in Maryland. Chip was desperately trying to hold down the home front and trying the best he could to focus on work. He would get on a plane every friday, spend 48 hours with us, hop back on the plane to go back to work and take care of our two dogs. As you can imagine, it was exhausting both mentally and physically.
Talk about a complete contrast from the way life is supposed to look for a grown woman and her 6 month old daughter. I was living with my parents, away from all of my friends, away from my own home, away from my own routine. I just sort of drifted through the days and tried to go through the motions of mothering Sydney. I remember that I would make myself sing to her at night, not because I found enjoyment from it, but because I kept thinking that singing would probably be something that I would want to do if I wasn't depressed so I better do it (sorry for the run on!). But that is how oppressive the depression had become. I had no feelings, no desires...nothing brought me laughter. I couldn't think about anything other than my depression and the fact that I just wasn't "right."
I am sure my parents often wondered why their competent daughter who loved to plan parties, socialize, travel and own her own business would now choose to live a life of dependence, isolation and just plain weirdness!
Even though I experienced first hand what I just described to you, it is still hard for me to understand the whole thing. Now that my mind is healthy, I get up in the mornings excited to sit and read the new bible study I am doing. My mind automatically wonders forward in the day, trying to decide if Sydney would rather go to the park or go to a friend's house to play. I look forward to chatting on the phone with friends, working out at the gym and singing the ABC's with Sydney. Being excited or finding enjoyment out of anything was simply not an option that year.
My depression felt heavy, like a thick black cloud that refused to lift. My anxiety was debilitating and created a sense of fear that paralyzed me. Fatigue from having to exist like this for so long was really starting to take a toll....I didn't know how much longer I could keep on going. Yet, the most difficult thing to bare was not seeing an end in site. I had been to see so many doctors, taken so many drugs and prayed so many prayers and still I was left searching.
I just received an email from my friend Tami today. She reminded me that most of that year was spent mediating on only a " pin prick of light" for hope. It was this tiny speck of light, that promised that God's word was true even if it didn't feel like it, that sustained me. And when I say sustained me, I don't mean I got to sit down at a banquet table and gorge myself on yummy desserts. I mean it was just enough bread and water to keep me alive.
It is amazing to me what a little speck of hope in our lives can accomplish. As longs as there is still hope, the human mind can survive a lot more than we wish we could. I wish God would have lit up the sky for me with a spot light of hope rather than just a pin prick. But he chose not to. Instead, he gave me friends that helped me stay focused on the pin prick that I did have. Sometimes when it is hard to find hope, we need others to help us search for it...thanks Tami!
"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25
We racked up a ton of miles on our southwest card. Chip was flying back to baltimore almost every weekend. Thank goodness it was easier to get credit cards back then. We were able to put doctor's appointments, prescriptions, plane tickets, medical treatments, counseling sessions and boarding fees for the dogs all on the card...we were a credit company's dream come true!
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