What Kind of God?

Yesterday, Sydney came down with a yucky virus. We spent most of the day on the couch eating Popsicles and watching her favorite shows. Even though I wish she was not in pain from being sick, I secretly relish the chance to take care of her and love on her in a way that only a mom can. Of course, it is also much easier working as a tag team with Chip!!

Anyways, she woke up in the middle of the night and I could tell she was so uncomfortable. She was cold, her mouth hurt from the sores the virus creates and she just wanted to be held. I carried her downstairs, wrapped a blanket around us and held her in my lap. For 45 minutes we sat like that...with my arms around her, kissing her head and stroking her hair. I think I cried the entire time.

What kind of God takes away a baby's mother for almost a year? The events of Sydney's first year of life started flooding my mind. Where was I during midnight feedings or early morning risings? Where was I when she was sick and needed to be rocked? Where was I when she deserved to have both parents stare in awe at the miracle before them? Where was I when she ate baby food for the first time or took her first steps?

Sydney needs so much from me right now. I am her security and her place of comfort. But that first year, Chip and other family members had to fill my place in her life. Just thinking about the time I spent apart from her either physically or emotionally brings tears to my eyes and strikes fear in my heart. Fear of being separated from my daughter again, fear of not seeing her grow up.

I know that we are supposed to love God for who he is and not for what he does for us. But at the same time, isn't God supposed to love us more than our earthly parents love us? Sometimes I just can't wrap my brain around the concept. If I was in control of her life, I would never let Sydney suffer such pain. Yet, God allowed everything that happened that year to pass by him first.

I am still working on reconciling all of this in my head. Some days are harder than others...I think today is just one of those days.

I pray that if you are having one of "those days" that you would be blessed with a better tomorrow. I pray that God would speak to you and to me in a way that we would know that it is him.