1. I would get lost in the car. No seriously, I mean I would get lost going to doctor's appointments. Once a week I would take Sydney to her physical therapy appointment at the same time, at the same office on the same day of the week. One day I was half way there (it is only 10 min from our house) and I just started to cry and look around in confusion. I had no idea where the doctor's office was and I was scared that I was losing my mind. I called Chip in an utter panic and all I could do was yell at him! I had to take my anger out somewhere I guess. I got angry with him like it was his fault that I couldn't remember how to get there. He eventually talked me through it and I made it to the office for her appointment.
2.I could not handle being in crowded rooms or going to the mall, it was way too much stimulation. If we were at a restaurant and a baby was crying, I had to leave because it was too loud. I know we all get annoyed at obnoxious children crying but this was really exaggerated. The baby crying did not warrant my need to immediately leave the building and seek refuge in a quiet place with no one else around.
3. I became severely depressed, even suicidal. Not because I had a terrible life, I loved my life and my family, but something was wrong with my body and I couldn't make it stop. I wanted my life back so bad but I couldn't live like that. I wasn't going to live as a shell of the person I once was. It was like being in a coma and being trapped somewhere deep inside, in just one cell of your body. I couldn't get out, I couldn't get help!
4. I felt like I was losing my sanity. I would wake up at 4:00 am with my heart pounding out of my chest. There doesn't seem to be any reason for my body to do this, I wasn't running from a bear! Why was my body going into adrenaline mode while I slept?
5. PMS times a million! If Chip's golf clubs were in the trunk of the car and I needed to put the stroller in the trunk all hell broke lose! The old Sharee would have been annoyed that he left his clubs there but I would have just taken them out and complained about it later. Umm..not so much now! I became hysterical and irrational. I couldn't get past it. I would yell at Chip or whomever was around, I would cry and become very emotional. I wouldn't be able to function for the rest of the day. I could even cognitively say to myself that I was not responding normal but my body just did what it wanted to do.
6. I was still only getting a few hours a sleep at night and that was with taking klonopin and sometimes an ambien or lunesta. I never woke up refreshed.
7. Thanksgiving and Christmas are a blure to me, I can't remember much about them. I do remember that my family was not able to go to the lake house for Christmas because it would be too much "change" for me. I had to be on a strict routine surrounded by extreme familiarity. Just the change from my house in Texas to my parents home in Maryland was more than I could handle. I would not have survived if we went to the lake house as well.
I know this sounds so silly and even as I look back I can't believe that it was all true. But it was. Instead of celebrating with family and rejoicing in Sydney's first Thanksgiving and Christmas, I was struggling to survive through each day. The holidays should have been about Sydney but instead it was centered around this illness that had taken over my life.
This picture was taken at my parent's house. I think it is from Thanksgiving judging from how Sydney looks and the fact that I am not wearing a sweater. But I really can't say for sure because I don't remember the holidays!
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